Miracle Baby

Probably because I'm a sensitive person anyway, I've always been very careful not to make anyone without children feel like they're not living life right. I also had a feeling that one day, I might be on the other side of the coin. And, in fact, I was.

When Tom and I decided to start our family, the butterflies in my stomach would get so excited that I felt them rush all over. I'm a planner, and I loved daydreaming about the things I would be doing with our baby when it arrived. 

Month by month, my butterflies flew away. I found creative spots to cry after I using up my energy being happy for my loved ones getting pregnant. I went through times when I thought it was my fault, times I thought it was my husband's fault, times when I thought it was God's fault, and times when I wanted nothing more than to just accept it as no one's fault. 

After reading in my grandpa's biography that he and my grandma couldn't have children for three years, and only until they got a special blessing because of it, I went to talk to them about it. I'll never forget the tenderness in my grandpa's eyes as I finally freed the heaviness I felt in my heart. 

Once I finally decided to confide in a few people, it got a little easier. But months went by and I started to wonder where faith came in. I used to think faith meant that if you wanted something badly enough, and believed you would get it, that it'd come. I know now that faith means being able to say, "Thy will be done." 

I got to the point where I felt truly ok with whatever would end up happening to me. I decided that before I threw in the towel that I would ask my grandpa for a blessing of my own, which he gladly gave me. He said he would put my name on the prayer roll at the temple every week during the Quorum of the Twelve meetings. And in a very real way, I felt buoyed each week.

Well it wasn't too long after this blessing that I took a pregnancy test after being one day late. As soon as I took it, I was mad at myself for wasting a test and ruining a Friday. It wasn't long after I had this thought that I saw two lines appear, and my life changed. On Good Friday, I found out that I had a baby due on Christmas Day. There is no greater gift, nothing I've ever wanted more, than this baby. I still smile at the beauty of this irony. I couldn't have chosen a more perfect day.

So through all of this I've learned to be kind, to be humble, and to lead all my interactions with empathy for too many hearts are heavy and silent. That the right thing to say most often is simply, "I'm so sorry." 

I never forget how lucky I am that my story ended with a healthy baby girl. Believe me, I know, and my heart still breaks for every woman who mourns the children she doesn't have or who she lost too soon. You are stronger than you know, and you are brave, and when you don't feel like you are? Well, that's ok too. 

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  1. Thanks for sharing, Anne! We struggled with infertility trying for our first kids, and we have been having a even harder time getting pregnant again. I have been feeling really down because it seems like all my friends just accidentally get pregnant...all. The. Time. While I truly wish neither of us were so familiar with these feelings and struggles, knowing someone my own age who understands makes coping a little easier. :)

    1. This makes my heart hurt. Why is it always the people who would be the best parents/have the cutest kids have such a hard time? It makes my eyes bug out when people casually drop how easy it was to get pregnant. Please let me know when you're having a hard day. I mean this.