3.13.2016

Thank you for saving me

Claire,

It's been a very hard time for me lately. Your grandpa, my dad, only has a matter of a few days left on this earth. Although he's been sick for a couple months, the knowledge that his time was coming arrived all at once in a sickening slap of reality. It's hard to imagine life without him. We were very close, and called each other almost every day for one thing or another. He loved you and you loved him most. You would always run to him as soon as you were set down. That's one of the hardest parts for me, that you could have such a sweet bond with someone who you'll undoubtedly one day say you never knew. 

I wanted to tell you that you've saved me. Grief has coursed through me in many guises: adrenaline, nausea, anxiety, and consuming, tangible loss. I find that I'm mourning not only what I had, but the robbery of the memories I never got to make. 

I hope you don't feel too sad reading this. I only wanted to let you know that this is how I feel, and then you're there, and all of a sudden my perspective is forced to change. I look at Grandpa and I see how tragic life is; I look at you and I see how beautiful life is. I hold you and I hold a life that's just beginning, so forgive me for squeezing you a little too hard lately. You are hope, disguised as a little girl. I'm glad every day that you're mine.

I love you. Thank you for saving me.

Mom


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